Gorilla Pills

Halloween is approaching and it always brings back memories of my childhood. Some of those memories are centered around Halloween activities and others just center around that general time of year. When I was in grade school the annual school carnival was held sometime in October. We kids never seemed to know exactly when the carnival was going to be until we arrived at school to find workers busily setting up the infrastructure for it. Excitement filled the crisp air as you arrived at school to find stake bed trucks filled with the unassembled carnival equipment. On one particular day when I was in the third grade I arrived to find things in just such a state. We always arrived about 15 minutes early and would play on the playground until the bell would ring for us to go inside. On this particular day I quickly found my friend Harry. We ran around excitedly looking at all that was taking place in the school yard. We finally wound up sitting on some playground equipment when he reached in his pocket and pulled out a little bottle, held it out to me and said “Want some? They’re Gorilla pills.” About that time the bell rang and we started walking toward the school  building. The pills looked like candy to me so I popped a few into my mouth and chewed them up wanting to hurry and eat them before we got into the class room where eating candy, of course, was not allowed. Our teacher, Miss Sharon, was quite strict and being caught eating candy in class would have brought a severe and quick punishment.


Before we go on, a little bit about Miss Sharon might be in order. Miss Sharon was, I’m guessing, about 100 years old. She had been putting up with kids like me for about 80 years and was getting a little sick of it. She had been known to take off her shoes and throw them at the class. There was only one thing in this world that she was afraid of. Only one thing but it scared the hell out of her. For some reason this woman was scared to death of Hydrophobia. Rabies that is. She would tell us in graphic detail about how wild animals would get Hydrophobia, foam at the mouth, go into a wild rage and bite any poor unfortunate soul who happened to be within fang range. People who contracted it would suffer a similar fate and die a miserable, slobbering pile of flesh with only the desire to bite someone else to pass the disease along. We heard this story over and over again.

So anyway, back in class, as I sat down and had swallowed that candy or gorilla pills or what ever that stuff was that Harry gave me I started to realize that this was the nastiest candy I had ever had. The taste was unbearable and I couldn’t get it out of my mouth. Finally I tried spitting on the floor. That didn’t help at all. Then I started to salivate profusely . I used my sleeve to get some out of my mouth. I started salivating more, and more and more. There was no place to put it all! I thought OH MY GOD! I’M FOAMING AT MOUTH! I’m GONNA THROW UP! I got up from my desk and started walking to the front where Miss Sharon was babbling on about some homework or something. As she turned to look at me I tried to speak but my mouth was producing saliva at such a high rate that it was literally flowing down my chin. Miss Sharon took one look at me and with a horrified look on her face said Oh My God your foaming at the mouth. He’s got HYDROPHOBIA! She grabbed me by the back of the collar and rushed me towards the stairs and down to the nurse screaming “I Think He Has Hydrophobia! I immediately started throwing up and trying to tell the nurse that I had taken Gorilla Pills. (The plot thickens)

Now, keep in mind this was around 1962 or so and the Dope Pusher or Dope Fiend was one of the biggest fears of an elementary school in those days. Especially my school since we were fairly close to the State Mental Hospital. So this changed the whole thing.

“GORILLA PILLS?” They ask. “What Gorilla pills?” “The ones Harry gave me” I sang like a canary.

Well by this time my Mom had been called and was on her way, Miss Sharon had probably turned Harry upside down and shook him until the remaining pills dropped out of his pockets. Me and my mom and the pills all went to the family doctor. He identified the pills as Carters Little Liver Pills. A common over the counter cure all that probably didn’t cure anything but were to be swallowed not chewed.

I spent most of the rest of the day at home listening to lectures about taking pills and drug pushers and dope fiends and what not and was finally taken back to school that same afternoon. They made me stand before the class and say I was sorry for disrupting an otherwise uneventful carnival day. I don’t think Harry even got in trouble. That Dick.

The only thing left to do in class that day was a little spelling exercise where the first person in the first row takes the first word on a list in the book, pronounces it, spells it and then pronounces it again. Then the second person takes the second word and so on. You can probably guess what my word turned out to be. This had to be a setup. I had to stand up in class and say PILL P-I-L-L PILL.

So if anybody ever offers you any Gorilla Pills. Don’t take them. They’re not as much fun as they sound.



HAVE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

Or FALL CARNIVAL or whatever PC name they are giving it this year.